Question. What do you wear if you are going to meet the future king and queen of England at the BAFTA black tie event in Hollywood? 1. Something long and elegant, like the McQueen gowns the Duchess of Cambridge favors? 2. Something short that mimics a TV test pattern (if Prada owned a network), then top it off with a tigers tail? This is why some humans need a stylist before they can leave the house. If you actually think she looks good, you too must put one retainer. Committing a fashion crime is a fate worse than..well you know.
Sometimes you want to forget you’re undead and just feel like a woman. Nothing does that better than wearing a couture gown. Remember when all your clothes were made to order? The capes, the gowns, the corsets? Those of you less than 100 years old, trust me when I tell you what an exquisite experience it is to have a look hand made to fit your body. Today humans call this haute couture. I just know it’s like drinking the sweetest blood ever. The shows were just on in Paris, and you must order a gown. Yes it’s much more expensive than ready-to- wear, and robbing a bank may be your only option. But to look like this, it’s worth it. Besides, all human banks are insured, so everybody wins.
Happy Birthday Nancy Reagan. I won't say how old you are today, I know human women don’t like to talk about their age. (Vampires brag about theirs). What I will say is that you and I might not share the same politics, but we do worship the same color - Blood Red. Smartest. First Lady. Ever.
Attention thespian vampires. The movie season is heating up, which means a number of you will be front and centre again on the big screen. I want to take this moment to warn you about falling back into old habits, and dressing like Mr Cruise here in projects you have coming up. I hoped Tom knew better than to play this part as the Puffy Shirt episode from Seinfeld, but alas......Tom, I’m begging you. If you have any undead roles coming up- call me.
Hollywood can't stop loving us, can they? Coming soon to a theater near you is Vamps, Amy Heckerling’s story of two young undead girls living in New York City. Ten points girls for getting the lingerie right. It’s important to look sexy to entrap human males for food and love. But those coffins are a decorating disaster. All white interiors? Really? Think of the mess after you feed, girls. Martha Stewart does a lovely line in patterned bedding. I suggest you check it out. It’s a good thing.
Working with humans on a project is always tricky, with the temptation to bite and all. But I can’t help be excited about Versace's new partnership with H&M, which will bring the genius of the undead Donatella to the breathing, style starved, masses. (Though she was turned decades ago, she's still not saying who her maker is. I admire her discretion, but my money is on Karl Lagerfeld.) I’ll let her tell you the rest. Brava Donatella!
This is a species of breather known as a model. They are very special in the human universe because they are thin and beautiful, which is much more important than clever and kind. Like us they never eat, but unlike us, they have the best fashion designers on speed dial, so they can dress like this every day, even going to pump gas. While you may not have their connections now, who’s to say what the sensation of teeth in the neck might do to motivate Oscar de la Renta to dress you like this in the future? Exactly.
I don't advocate vampires wearing black, it's the equivalent of big hair and rhinestones in Nashville. Been there, done that, right? But if you do insist, this is how to do it perfectly. A little black dress, a great leather jacket, a second skin sweater and some pearly white fangs will take down anyone in the ratings war. Yes, even the Kardashians.
I love it when actors play us in movies. Actors are humans who pretend to be other people for a day job, and all they ask in return is a truck full of money and the chance to sleep with people on the set before the press finds out. Now, I think it’s always good to have a few safety pins on hand in case your hem starts falling down, so I can't fault Kristen Stewart's enthusiasm. But there’s a reason you don’t go out like this in public, and it’s called sending your boyfriend to hospital with multiple tiny stab wounds after having a quickie backstage during the MTV awards.
They’re hardly as interesting or sexy to humans as we are, but superheroes do fill a void during the day when we’re sleeping. All of them have questionable fashion sense- Superman’s red underwear over blue tights anyone? (Maybe instead of a phone booth, someone should get changed in front of a mirror.) And then there’s Emma Frost from X-Men First Class, a mutant superhero whose telepathic powers apparently don’t manifest unless she's wearing lingerie. Really, if she puts on a Prada dress, she’s just as clueless as other mortals. Only dressed as a porn star can she unleash heaven or hell on the world. I hear since her $200,000 wardrobe didn’t work so well at the last election, Sarah Palin is going the Frost route in 2012 to save the planet from liberal elites. You betcha.
The long weekend is coming up, which means if you're stuck babysitting some human children, they're going to announce, “I’m bored” every thirty seconds. Why not do something chic and read them this classic book? Their parents will love you, because humans believe reading is “educational” and will get their little breathers into Harvard - where they will then spend four years partying, drinking, and inventing Facebook. I know for a fact Mark Zuckerberg read this book as a child, and he’s worth a gajillion dollars now. Did he thank us for inspiring him to be bloodthirsty, sneaky, and movie material? Of course not. That’s okay Mark. You can thank us with stock when your little company goes public.
Pay attention, undead innocents. This is how a chic vamp works it on a big night out. (Really, you didn’t know about Angie? If the vial of blood she used to wear around her neck didn’t tip you off, what do you want, a press release?) Wearing a red gown is a great way to hide the fact she fed on three victims on the way over. But Brad sure is brave wearing a white shirt isn’t he? That thing is going to be a hot mess once Angie’s finished snacking on him at the after party. I guess true love means always having to do the laundry.
One of the best ways to feed on a quality tasting blood supply is to attend fancy film festivals. These shindigs are full of mortals whose blood tastes like champagne, cocaine and sex- clearly superior to anything you can steal from the blood bank. The downside is you have to sit through a ceremony where humans give each other awards for making films nobody, not even their own mothers, can understand. Sometimes they give awards for other things too. For example, here is Kirsten Dunst at Cannes receiving the DIY fashion award for making her dress out of aluminum foil and toilet paper and wearing it in public without a hint of irony. Congrats!
Another day, another breather who wants to be President. At this point, don’t be surprised if Arnold gets in the race. In the Republican human realm, they believe infidelity is a prerequisite for higher office. But it’s not Newt we need to worry about. It’s the zombie beside him who wants to be First Lady. It’s one thing letting humans run the country, another to replace Michelle O with a woman whose hairstyling tools are Clorox, a comb and a concrete mixer. And tell me, how do you host a state dinner when you’re drunk on hairspray?
The state of New Jersey was created by American breathers to corral all the teased hair, purple eye shadow, shiny leggings, Payless stilettos and cubic zirconia jewelry in one place. They believe they can control the fashion assault that way, much like how they tried to placate us with stakes and garlic, and when that failed, stroked our egos by putting us in bestselling books. Here is a perfect reminder why the New Jersey borders can never be left unprotected. Still not convinced? Show me another state where even a plastic head wears that much make-up.
Red carpets are usually the place where humans reveal to the world how deranged they are when it comes to fashion. It's as if all their pent up desire to dress in sausage casing or amish quilts finally come to a head at a movie premiere. Except Tilda Swinton here. Bless her, and her Haider Ackermann halter draped number, which makes my heart sing. (It can sing. It can't beat. There's a difference.)
Being a bridesmaid is one of the curses of being a human female. Aside from managing the bride's tantrums, they are required to wear a dress so ugly, bright and cheap looking they can be seen from space. Astronauts report being so overwhelmed by the sight, they return to earth emotionally scarred. Here is a perfect example from the new movie Bridesmaids. As in many cases, the dresses are made of curtains rescued from a Las Vegas brothel before it was raided by police. Human brides like to surround themselves with friends dressed like this, thinking it stops the groom from sleeping with them during the reception. However the human male is so compelled to cheat by the first course, not even bad fashion can keep him away. Particularly if the matron of honor is the bride’s sister.
Dear father, forgive these vampire sinners for they know not what they wear. Lead them away from the temptation to wear black velvet, pasty faces and lank hair ever again. I know they’re the powerful Volturi (here in the upcoming Breaking Dawn), and they're all bigshots now, with agents, book deals and adoring fans. Yet this is what humans call Epic Fail. Please people, you live in Italy, the place where Armani, Prada, Gucci, Dolce&Gabbana and Versace were born. You of all vampires have no excuse.
Another fashion vampire out in the open at the Met Ball. So good to see Anna finally at peace with her truth. I think it's great she decided to color in her dress with magic markers before she put it on. But the sequins she applied with a glue-gun, don't try this at home. I love a bit of crafting, but there is a thing as too much.
I love the way Karl Lagerfeld doesn't even try to hide he's a vampire. Although why he chose to wear a patio cushion cover to the Met Ball and bring a genie as his date is a mystery that may never be solved.