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About this Blog

My darlings. Greetings and welcome to the undead and aspiring undead among you.

As you know, our lives as vampires are no longer what they used to be. Once, in a glorious frenzy of bloodlust, we could seduce humans, feed and kill undetected, but no more. Now millions follow our every move in books, TV, film and on this wonderful web.

I''m hardly surprised. We are irresistible no? So erotic, so dangerous, so charming. And we possess two things every human  desires more than anything.

Eternal life.

Eternal thinness. 

And yet, I will be frank. We, you, need to dress better. The black capes, velvet gowns, pasty faces and bloodshot eyes have to go. We have committed the worst sin one can, dead or undead.

We have become a cliché. If I wasn't already dead, I would stake myself over this.

My dear  bloodsuckers, we now live in a century where image is everything. Breathers  have  done research that reveals how you  look determines how people relate to you, and  therefore offer their necks to you.

Dress fabulously, feed fantastically!

I know the names Dior, Balmain, Versace and Calvin Klein are not familiar to you, and yet they must be. Let me help you reinvent yourself as an undead fashionista, an aficionado of haute couture, ready-to-wear, the Gap and Topshop.

Trust me, nightwalkers. I have worked in the fashion industry in Paris, Milan, London and New York. I knew Marie Antoinette, sewed gowns for Christian Dior and designed for Ralph Lauren. I have styled stars for the Oscars and now work inside a major fashion magazine. 

And I am a vampire. No, I’m not the only one in the fashion industry. We undead toil inside a number of  fabulously chic establishments, some even run them.

Oh, darlings, if only you knew.

 Scarlett xxxx

Buy the Book!

 



Book Excerpts

 

Diet and Exercise

Twice a year in the fashion capitals of New York, Paris, London and Milan humans perform an important ritual called Fashion Week. At this event, extremely chic mortals sit and watch a breed called models glide past them wearing next seasons stylish offerings. click here for more

Lingerie

We know it. They know it. We undead are the ultimate erotic experience. Our super vampire strength means we can go all night and seduce for all eternity. Once a human has submitted their flesh to our desires, there is no going back for them. click here for more

Twilight

Dear Edward Cullen, thank you! You are the most famous vampire of our time. Everyone adores you, four books have been written about you, and you have made us so proud. You are the best dressed teenage vampire I have encountered anywhere. click here for more

Tuesday
Nov082011

Duck soup

prphotos.comThis is the new human Miss World. As you know, breathers will make fashion out of anything, including apparently cotton candy from the state fair  and dead ducks from the local pond. At least the runners up beside her chose to express their style using the right color - blood. Which makes them winners in my books. 

 



Monday
Oct312011

Amateur night

prphotos.comDear breathers, today is Halloween, or as we call it, amateur night.  Many of you dress up like us, except those who prefer to impersonate our moron zombie  cousins. (Honestly, who wants to eat brains when you can drink blood?) All I am asking is if you must be a vampire, be a stylish  blood sucker.  Ditch  those black capes and velvet bustiers, please. Look at our immortal queen Donatella. See how she does vamp glamour?



Wednesday
Oct262011

Bacon chic

InStyleI like humans best of all for dinner, but in a pinch I will do a Twilight and snack on some animals if I  must. Miss Piggy  however I will never bite, she’s simply too fashionable to drain. Here she is in Prabal Garang- perfection. Who needs lipstick on a pig when you can have chic on a pig instead? Of course if any animals you come across aren’t wearing designer, you know what to do.   



Wednesday
Oct192011

The girl with the elegant gown

Mert & Marcus for VogueSee this is what I am talking about. Normally, Lisbeth Salander here wears her pasty faced Goth cred so intensely she makes us vampires look like slackers. But put a Marchesa dress on the girl and look what happens. Style nirvana. If she can do it, what’s your excuse?

 



Friday
Oct142011

How to do breakfast

Paramount I'm not one for sentiment, I'm a bloodsucker after all. But occasionally I’ll see a human movie and it will get me right in the gut. (You thought I would say heart? Stopped working long ago, remember.) Breakfast at Tiffany’s is one of those films, and being fifty years old this month, I thought it was worth reminding all of you freshly turned vamps who didn’t see it the first time around what an orgy of chic it is. Is it normal to go to Tiffany’s in a black Givenchy gown and jewels first thing in the morning? No. Is it perfect? Absolutely.



Tuesday
Oct112011

Borderline

Prphotos.com

How bad is the global recession hitting humans? Well, it seems now even celebrities can't afford to buy an entire outfit  for an appearance, and a spray tan and stockings double as pants. President Obama better fix this mess soon, because I don't want to see Mrs O. ending up like this at a state dinner. Unless your name is Madonna and it's 1985, no leaving the house, or coffin, like this. Ever.

 

Tuesday
Oct042011

Rock chicks rule

Pierre BalmainI  confess, one of the things I love about human existence is rock and roll. When you can remember how boring music was through the centuries (the lute, anyone?) rock is a reason to keep on living, not that some of us have a choice.. Yet the rock scene would be nothing without the rock chick, and nobody makes clothes finer for that girl (human or vamp) than Balmain. But ten grand to drop on a jacket may be too much for some,  so let's all give thanks for the new diffusion  line Pierre Balmain. As you can see, all the cool rock chickness for a fraction of the price. And in your case, you really will wear it forever.

 

Monday
Sep262011

Diamonds, (like us), are forever

 

CNN

Liz Taylor was a lesson in how to live life (or death in our case) to the fullest. Designer jewels! Designer clothes! A movie career! Big love! Now sadly, she has gone to breather heaven, but her glittering possessions are still here, and they’re going on tour and then on the Christie's auction block.  I suggest you all watch this  and take notes on what you need in your wardrobe to become  a true Hollywood icon. This stuff ain’t cheap, but darlings, the best things in life are never free. But they are fabulous.  

Friday
Sep232011

I don't know how this happened

prphotos.comHere is a lovely human at the premiere of I Don't Know How She Does It. Maybe the film should have been called I Don't Know Where The Rest of My Dress Is, Please Call the FBI and Find It. Seriously. If my stylist did this to me, I would drain her dry.

Monday
Sep192011

Bad enough to eat

Prphotos.comHumans love giving each other awards. It’s their way of trying to make themselves feel special,  because lord knows most days they feel insecure and unsexy in our fabulous presence.  To go to these award shows they must dress up, and because the evening is long and boring, many bring a dish to snack on as well. But it may not be a good idea to combine the two, like Project Runway breather Heidi Klum, who hemmed her dress with a cauliflower.  I guess the mercy is she left the cheese sauce off.

Tuesday
Sep132011

The lesson of fashion week

Prphotos.comSo New York fashion week is here. Obviously I can only attend shows at night, so I catch up on the day collections at 4 a.m., on the web.  We've seen a lot of blue and orange, and enough florals to fill a cemetery, which does happen to be one of my favorite places. While you and I may differ on taste, this is one dress we can all agree we should buy for our next ball. Wear this Zac Posen number and you can dance and drink blood all night with barely a human the wiser. How chic is that?

Tuesday
Sep062011

The real housewife of vampire county

Mert and Marcus for W They say once a woman gets married she lets herself “go”. I think Oprah even did a show about it, so you know it must be a serious infraction. How amazing  then to see that since Bella married Edward she has glammed up, instead of lazing around in a terry robe, curlers  and fluffy slippers eating microwave popcorn. Bella confirms my suspicions that for select humans,  union with a vampire can work as a style injection. The rest of you -  don’t get your hopes up.  We only marry you to have dinner on tap.

 

Thursday
Aug112011

And still on the topic of shoes

Christian LouboutinI love Monsieur Louboutin. He makes the most divine shoes, and that red sole is icing on the cake. However, it came to my attention that Mr L. was suing Mr YSL over who has the right to use the red outsole. Oh, please. Where do you think either of them got the idea? How about from centuries of vamps walking away from a tasty kill with blood on our soles? Sorry Christian and Yves, neither of you own this one. We do. Understand?  Good, now send us some free shoes and a thank you note  and we’ll pretend this whole girlfight never happened.  

 

Wednesday
Aug102011

First Lady prediction

Jason Wu/ Melissa ShoesI, like you, hate bloodstains, but they will always be  our cross to bear. The worst  is when your dinner gets on your shoes, and you trek blood into your coffin.  That's why I like these Melissa  flats  done in collaboration with Jason Wu. They're not just chic, but plastic! After you feed, simply rinse them off and get back out there for dessert. As the talented Mr. Wu is a favorite of a certain First Lady, look for these  on the campaign trail next year. She’ll need them for feeding on, doing interviews with  Fox News reporters. Just a hunch.     

Thursday
Aug042011

Put Jenny on the block

Island Def JamSometimes humans dress so badly, other humans will act to stop them before they offend again. You might think this is a publicity still for the breather celebrity  Jennifer Lopez. She wishes.  Actually, here JLo has just been tasered by a thoughtful fashion editor after running into her at a nightclub. Remember vamps, dressing like a stripper who makes her own clothes and ran out of material is never advisable. And unless you are the ghost of Andy Warhol, don't bring silver decor with you when you party. Be original. 

Monday
Aug012011

Blood lust

Allure KoreaI love fashion designers who think out of the box. (My favorite box is pine, but fashionistas do prefer cardboard.)  Who cares about making a dress in silk or duchess satin when you can mix sequins with ten pints of blood and come up with this? Well done, mortals, well done.

 

Monday
Aug012011

Breaking my heart

Summit EntertainmentCall me crazy, but I thought Breaking Dawn was about vampires. So why are our sparkling cousins dressing like accountants and personal trainers? Aren’t Bella and Edward getting married and riding off into the sunset? Well, according to this, they and their guests are spending the day after the wedding  going door- to- door in Forks working on everyone’s taxes while doing push-ups. Seriously people, don’t think  because Bella is going down the aisle in Carolina Herrera (praise the lord, that girl finally gets it)  the rest of you are off the hook. I suggest you reshoot this poster and swap out your, well, “clothes” for some Simon Spurr, Proenza Schouler and Tom Ford. Never forget - fashion is the new blood.

 

Wednesday
Jul272011

Legwatch

Secrets in LaceMeet Pamela Anderson, a breather  famous for appearing in Playboy and running on the beach in a red swimsuit. Yes, for some women, this is a career. Well, not everybody can work at NASA. Funny thing is, despite being known for her ample chest, Miss Pam is now focusing on her legs, selling her own line of stockings. And do you know what? They look perfect for seducing human males. We all know how weak they are when it comes to female legs, and once you reel them in, dinner is never far behind. I say order in bulk. 

 

Monday
Jul252011

Fright Night, you bet

DreamworksI’m fainting right now, and not because of the heat wave.  Nothing like being always cold to waltz through the dog days of a New York summer. No, I need to lie down because of this -  Colin Farrell as a vampire in Fright Night. A  vampire in a  wife beater, otherwise known as a singlet. Otherwise known as something you would see on Jersey Shore. Is this how far we have fallen style wise, immortals? Please, Colin, get thee to  Bergdorf Goodman Men’s store before the film opens and shop your dead heart out. I’m paying.   

Tuesday
Jul192011

I know who you are

Miu MiuHey Hailee, what have you got in your Miu Miu bag? Your True Grit script? I doubt it. Word of warning, undead. Remember Buffy? Well, she’s not the only teen trouble maker to surface.  I hear slayers are recruiting younger to avoid suspicion, because who thinks  teens have time  to kill us when they’re so busy watching American Idol and reading Twilight? Don’t be fooled. That bag has a stake in it and I don’t mean medium  rare.

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