Vampires love the mafia. Seriously. We respect humans who love a good kill as much we do. While it seemed like forever the mob was a boys club, I'm thrilled to see the girls getting their due on TV. So here's lesson number one about being a mob wife from the fabulously fierce Renee Graziano- if you have great legs, flaunt them. And if anyone has a problem with a dress that short, shoot them.
I was around in the 1960s, (and the 1860s and 1760s, but who's counting) and I remember when humans dressed like this without a trace of irony. Sure, hipsters in Williamsburg and Los Feliz wear jackets and frocks like this today and think they're cool, but word to the wise. There is no decade or century where looking like this will get you laid. Or fed. And isn't that what fashion is really all about?
Humans love hunting animals and turning them into fashion. But when we hunt humans for food, they get all testy about it. Bitter much, breathers? And sometimes after a hunt, humans are in such a hurry to wear their kill they just slap the fox or mink onto whatever they're already wearing. This is not chic, and this why we need to kill you.
Without Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart at the Oscars, it was up to Angie to carry the vampire flag. (As I have told you before yes, she is one of us). I normally don't like black for vamps, it's like wearing a sign, but if you insist, this is how to do it. A great dress, a lot of leg, and Brad Pitt by your side. Goal.
Even though we don't feel the cold, it's important to dress for fall and winter just like humans do, so we blend in with ease. Remember, the closer you get to them, the closer you get to their necks. That's why you must pay attention to what's happing on the New York Fashion Week runways now. Which human could resist you in this chic Rebecca Taylor look? And I love a big bag to carry a body, should your dinner put up a struggle.
Abe Lincoln used to be my favorite president, even with the stupid hat and bad beard. Now thanks to Hollywood (bless their beating hearts) we're learning his presidency was just a cover for his real job- killing. Now I love a good kill, except when the victims happen to be us. He's off my Xmas list now.
This is what many human vampire lovers want for Valentine's Day, wrapped in a bow. I'll do what I can to help, but in the meantime, here are some gifts they and my fellow vamps seriously don't want on cupid's day. Seriously.
1. Candy- too hard on the fangs. 2. A romantic trip to Hawaii. We don't do sun, remember? 3. A romantic trip to Transylvannia- born there, done that. 4. The Twilight films box set - already have them. 4. A new black cape- we have so many Christo could cover Mt. Rushmore with them. That's what happens when you live forever.
Celebrity humans often need assistance when getting dressed for big affairs, which is where stylists come in. One who should become your patron saint is Rachel Zoe. What's not to love about a someone who admits they want to die every time they see a great dress? So it seems Ms Zoe has been rehearsing for the day when she really does die from the beauty of a Givenchy couture gown, and joins our ranks. But if she thinks she will be wearing white once she becomes undead, we need to have a little talk. No matter how polished your table manners, drinking humans can be a messy business. Believe me, a great DVF print dress goes a long way.
Yes I know, the sun is our enemy. But sometimes you have to risk everything, slap on the sunscreen and venture outside, just so you can experience the pleasure of wearing Prada like this. Jewels too much for a day at the beach? Never.
Dear Tim Burton,
Remember you and I talked when you were in pre-production, and you promised to make Johnny Depp a vampire with a suntan wearing Dior Homme in your upcoming movie Dark Shadows? Guess you're just another human that loves an undead cliche too much to let it go. But I won't let this go mister. I suggest you sleep with your eyes open.
Happy New Year, darlings. Let's begin 2012 with a quick lesson. It is a good idea, as demonstrated by breather Kim K here, to bring your own waiter to a party. Those things can be chaos, and it can be so hard to get a drink otherwise. It is not okay however to wrap yourself in a giant condom for the party, particularly when the January sales are in full swing and you can pick up Marc Jacobs for less. Shop the department store, not your bedroom.
Here we have Sherlock Holmes and Watson on the case of the gown made of a restaurant awning and lampshade. Humans are all about wearing "artisan" fabrics right now, but maybe that shouldn't extend to upholstery. Noomi, if we see you like this again, we will drain you. Think of it as our Xmas gift.
So Christmas is coming, and humans are hitting the mall to shop, which I believe is as profound a religious experience as going to church (which I avoid, all those crosses, you understand.) Sometimes vampires like to get into the spirit too, but you do not need to bring your coffins disguised as a cape to the party. We don't have to spell out who were are out to them, okay? Once they feel the fangs go in, they'll figure it out. And remember to wish them Merry Xmas once you drain them. Breathers always appreciate some Yuletide cheer.
Finally, victory! Since I've been teaching Robert Pattinson how to dress, he hasn't set a foot wrong. Today WWD crowned him man of the week. Shouldn't that be undead man of the week? Oh, fine, let's not argue about technicalities this time.
Say you are about to marry a vampire. Say you know the odds of him, or one of the undead guests, feeding on you is pretty damn high, because we all know weddings can get crazytown. Yes, I love that Bella's dress was Carolina Herrera, (this is a copy that breathers can buy) but white? Listen, Bella, first law of being a vampire bride- choose a dress color that masks “food” stains, even if it's your big day. Remember, never mix the right designer with the wrong color.
Sometimes the human actors who play us in Twilight try to go all “method” and drink blood themselves. This makes them seriously unstable, and allows them to think the crushed velvet curtains in the window of the palm reader/ psychic whose store is next to your drycleaner would make a good suit. Hey Jasper, next time you bring some style and leave us to handle the beverages, okay?
Dear Cullen Family,
I know your movie opens this weekend, but there's still time to up the fashion ante and do all vampires proud. (Hollywood magic will slip your new clothes into the film, don’t worry.) Just get your undead selves over to H&M and pick up a few pieces of Versace. May I suggest this for Bella, your new sister in law? Because it’s really time she stopped shopping at the army/navy store. And would a can of fake tan really kill you?
Most vampires prefer to keep their identities secret, once they become global stars however, it's hard to remain in the shadows. So it's nice when they give a shout out to their kind, using fashion as the clue. Humans will see Alice Cullen here in a pretty red dress and smile. We see Alice in a gown made of rivers of blood and smile wider. This can only mean one thing. She fed an hour before on the cast of The Hunger Games. Never let the competition get you down.
This is my idea of happiness. A Dior bag and the Hollywood hills. Tinseltown loves us bloodlusters, always has. And we love you too, even if you dress us all wrong. Oh, you didn't know vampires are movie junkies as well as movie stars? There's nothing we enjoy more after dinner than a good Hitchcock film. Rear Window is my favorite. You can't beat Edith Head gowns and a human murder, can you?
The quickest way to attract a human male is using lingerie. Just as we are powerless over blood, they are yours for the taking when you wear a cute bra and panties. See above. You do not need to bring your own waterfall to the date too, however. You want to drain them, not drown them.