Those preppy Lilly Pulitzer shifts sure made humans look adorable. In fact they looked so chic I wouldn’t bite them lest I ruin their dresses. RIP Lilly, and thanks for making breathers appear too good to eat.
My dear vamps, you know I believe we must stop wearing black and embrace the color wheel when getting dressed. After thousands of years of using bats as fashion inspiration, bloodsuckers, it’s time to step up. What could be worse than being a human? That’s right, being a cliché. But if you insist…this Raf Simons ensemble is the only black look to wear in 2013. And no it doesn’t come with a matching cape, so don’t even ask.
It’s so rare that humans get a chance to see the error of their ways when they refuse to be turned. But thanks to these lovely photos, now the Queen of England can see how foolish she was to refuse the bite. She gave some silly excuse at the time about royals needing to stay awake during the day to do the job properly. Oh please. All I know is if she had gone over to the dark side, she would look like Kate Moss right now. Some Queens never listen.
You just hope Katniss and Fantine didn’t run into any undead at the Oscar after parties. Because the way we say “Congratulations” is not exactly how humans do it, and the dry cleaning bills would have been as ridiculous as Ben Affleck not being nominated for Argo.
So they told the human rock stars to cover up at the Grammys. Bit like telling a vampire to stay away from blood, much? Breathers normally listen to rules, except if they are music celebrities, then every vice is open for business. Including your dress. Especially your dress.
Well, well, who knew James Bond was married to a vampire? Looks like she just fed on him too, because that Gucci dress was white ten minutes ago. Wonder if she drank him shaken, not stirred? Of course being a spy, he’ll never tell.
Human children generally have terrible fashion sense, either choosing to dress like a superhero, Bratz dolls, ballerina Barbie, or Britney Spears. But sometimes they just come out of the box fully fashion assembled, like Kiernan Shipka here. Bravo, mortal child, bravo.
There is a strain of human who loves science fiction. You can always spot them because they have no shame appearing in public dressed as a beloved character from films like Star Trek or Tron. Can you guess which movie is Cate Blanchett’s favorite? That’s right, it’s that sci-fi meets religion classic “Nuns in Space”. While I applaud her dedication, can somebody please send her a DVD of Breakfast at Tiffany’s? Everyone knows nothing looks better in zero gravity than a little black dress.
So this is the time of year when humans display all kinds of atrocious traits, like good cheer, joy, and monumentally bad taste. Exhibit A- the Christmas sweater, which mortals believe Mary originally knitted for Jesus, because you know nights get cold in Bethlehem. Now breathers everywhere celebrate his birth by wearing one. While I think it’s lovely when mothers make clothes for their kids, I bite the line here. Hey Mary, heard of the Internet? If the stores were closed that day you could have gone online. Some mothers should stay away from DIY, and you’re one of them.
I’ve heard of human women putting on a man’s shirt the morning after sex, but putting on his boxing belt and fishing net is desperate, even for breathers. Seriously, whatever happened to doing the walk of shame quietly? Oh, no, apparently now mortals advertise. So bless your maker every time you bite and then just fly through the window. You don't know how lucky you are.
Reason #65 to be thankful you’re a vampire. While humans gorged over Thanksgiving weekend and now have to wear elastic pants until January, we still look like this. Breathers would have to spend thousands in liposuction to pull this off, but all Alice Cullen needed was a daily drink of blood.
Seriously Edward, are you the world's most desirable vampire or a boring golf champion? And here I thought only humans who hit a ball with a stick get to wear green jackets. Must you sink to their standards? And of all the human pursuits, you chose golf as inspiration? Wow, movie stardom has really messed with your immortal brain hasn't it? I'm calling the Volturi immediately.
Thank you breathers for putting aside all your political differences and making the right decision on the only vote that mattered this election- the Fashion vote. No question a human First Lady that looks this chic should live forever in the White House. And believe me, using just a pair of fangs, I could make it happen. Michelle, call me.
As we know vampires and humans barely get along. (Exhibit A- vampire Romney and human Obama. I think we can agree there is no love lost there.) But fashion is the great bond that brings us together, which is why vampire Karl Lagerfeld and breather Victoria Beckham are hanging out together, just shooting the breeze, talking frocks and models. Just before this photo was taken Karl ate Victoria’s pants. Right after it was taken he ate Victoria.
Only humans would wear wild costumes and sing and call it a career. Still, it’s good to see them admit when they have gone overboard, like Her Ladyship Gaga. Of course it took a fashion magazine to show her that sometimes no clothes are a bigger statement than crazy clothes, which is something we vamps have known forever. Besides, when you dress like this, it’s so much easier to get to your veins and begin snacking. Drinking through tulle and taffeta is such a bore.
Sometimes vampire/human marriages don't work out, it happens. But take a page from our undead colleague Katie here. If you look as good as this in the middle of a split, nobody cares about the human husband. All they want is you, because great clothes give you all the power. (Oh, and he is human right?)
The year is 1776. Human women’s fashion then was nothing to write home to England about, but I’m pretty sure this is not what John Adams had in mind when he suggested everyone party down and celebrate independence. If this is how breathers dress for a national holiday, it’s clear we can’t let them run the country anymore. I say vote Vampire for House and Senate in November.
It's a known fact once breathers turn into us they become much smarter. Take Bella, here, who wisely decided to bring a juicy "vegetarian" snack to a magazine photo shoot, because those things can go on forever. I prefer human snacks myself, but she's freshly turned and has eternity to move up along the food chain. Baby steps....
It's always a great idea to get a job among humans that allows you to feed without raising suspicions. Working at a hospital is a genius gig if you can pull it off, with all that juicy blood everywhere. So bravo LeeLee Sobieski, but honey, it's a mistake to wear your nurse uniform to a party, people will talk. And hunt. And then you know...
Given the complete screw up humans have made of this country, and with a vampire presidency still a ways off sadly, I am all for a Barbie presidency in the meantime. Anyone who isn't breathing and has a dreamhouse full of designer clothes and plastic shoes gets my vote.