Some breathers thinks blending in with their surroundings will help them avoid hungry vamps. Um hello, George, nice try, but duh, we can still see you. With all those Hollywood costume designers you have on speed dial, may I suggest calling them next time instead of just ripping wallpaper off the roll and throwing it on?
If there's one thing humans want more than living forever, it's being thin forever. Mmmm, who has that power? Who never eats and drinks blood that has no calories? Oh, that's right, us! Yet while they start a diet every Monday, the call of fast food beckons, and breathers can't resist. Nor can their dogs, apparently. Rover here was small and slim before humans introduced him to hamburgers and fries. Blood might make a messy dinner, but at the end of it you're still a size zero.
Today is the one day humans love to dress as us, which is all the more reason to use Halloween to dress like them and fake them into thinking we can breathe. Pass the Prada, please. But some newer vamps prefer to trick or treat wearing as little as possible. If you must, Bella. At least the flowers look alive, even if she doesn't.
Oh Madonna, really? I know humans will try anything to avoid getting bitten, but chainmail? We've been chewing through that stuff since the fifteenth century, girl. I'd hoped you being the Material Girl, you would have 1. given us more of a challenge, and 2. at least stitched together protection out of diamonds and pearls. You really are like a virgin at this game, aren't you?
Ever heard the expression “shooting fish a barrel”? Well, this is the vampire equivalent. Honestly, where do we find more humans like this, who dress for feeding and even leave their necks unclothed for easy access? It’s such a gift when they’re willing. I hope she doesn’t plan to wear that outfit again though. She might survive, but I don’t like the robe’s chances.
So with summer in full swing, humans are hitting the sun and sand. Some, like Gaga here, literally turn a day at the beach into a look. How enterprising. Well, if this is how she dresses in summer, can't wait to see the iceberg she wears after her winter holiday in Antarctica.
Breathers are crazy, we know that, but this takes the cake. Sometimes, when they love a celebrity so much they cannot bear a minute without them, they carve them in wax so they might enjoy them forever. Honestly, if they wanted Rihanna to live for eternity, why didn’t they call us? We can make that happen overnight, and we don’t even charge.
As we never feel the cold, I’ll have to trust humans when they say sometimes places have the air-conditioning turned on so high, bringing a sweater is not enough. Then they need to bring their own fireplace to an event, preferably attached to their dress. If you say so, breathers.
Oh, what a difference a year or two makes. The last time we saw Princess Beatrice, she was wearing a hat made of pretzels and insanity juice, so bad it even burned vampire eyes. How nice to see her take a giant fashion leap forward in this L’Wren Scott number. I hear she chose the color blue to match her blood. Nice touch, royal human.
Humans. So clueless. It’s not enough they’ve made a big mess of the world, they actually think a grown man in a blue suit, a red cape and a sock stuffed down his boxers is going to come flying in and save them. Listen, if anyone is going to rescue us, he better be wearing Dior Homme or Tom Ford, not some dinky Halloween costume. What’s the point of being a superhero if you don’t look runway perfect?
I admit it, Joan Rivers is one of the finest humans out there. She turned 80 this month, which is nothing in vampire years, but for mortals it’s epic. People think she’s undead, given how sharp her fashion fangs are on “Fashion Police”, but no, she breathes. She also understands the importance of dressing well, no matter the century.
“I put her in a Chanel suit, Manolo Blahniks, and a Louis Vuitton pocketbook,” she once said of dressing the Virgin Mary. “You’re the mother of God, look it! If she had looked like that, she would’ve gotten into the inn.” Amen, sister.
Coco Chanel once told humans that when getting dressed, take one thing off before you leave the house, so you don’t over do it. However I don’t think this is what she had in mind. Some mortals are just so literal, aren’t they? Must be all that oxygen messing with their brains. Now you understand why breathing is so overrated.
Summer is here, which is great news for breathers, but not so much for us. All those hours of sunlight, which means all that time we have to spend hiding indoors. (However good time for you undead to catch up on episodes of Homeland or House of Cards you missed.) But if you do find yourself outside accidentally, get your sunglasses out - stat. See how Mick Jagger’s family here - yes, Mick is immortal too – are always prepared? Are you going to argue with the genius of rock stars and models?
I’ve heard of actors who go to auditions dressed for the part, but I think when PBS put out word they were looking to cast a girlfriend for Big Bird, they weren’t expecting a Kardashian to apply. Then again, think of the spin-off potential. I know I’d watch a show called Kourtney, Kim and Kanye take Sesame Street. Just watch your back Elmo.
Where I come from, if you leave the house and forget to put on your pants, you’ve got a problem. But in the human world if you do this, they give you an award. And if you can sing without your pants on, they call it a career. Some breathers have all the luck.
How many times do we have to talk about wearing white to dinner? Looks here like our immortal sister Uma arrived at a gala giddy with the thought of feasting on celebrities. But what was she thinking donning this dress? I’m hoping either she won a lifetime supply of bleach on a quiz show, or she slipped on a rain poncho when nobody was looking. Otherwise I see a red gown on eBay awfully soon, because I hear she can drink a human like nobody’s business.
My mantra is eat what you kill. Well, drink what you kill, but let’s not fuss over details. Humans, on the other hand, like to wear what they kill, or turn their catch into area rugs, or in this case, do both at the same time. Not only is a zoo missing a big cat, but a chalet in Switzerland is now wondering where their fireplace rug went.
While for us they’re a fancy cocktail, in the human world Hollywood stars are a different kind of prey. They live in a world called show business, and on any day there they can be shot down by fans, critics or the fashion police. So, how considerate of them to put targets right on their clothes, so nobody can miss. Sometimes breathers are smarter than we give them credit for.
So, it seems all is not well in the world of human toys. Clearly Ballerina Barbie and My Little Pony have been doing the horizontal mambo, and this is the result. (Ken, I hear, is furious.) And they say vampires would frighten their children. Seriously, breathers, your toys scare the living daylights out of us.